Why?

It's so easy for me to say that I have the story I have so I can reach people. God gave me this testimony because it makes me who I am. I have such a hard time accepting that though, especially as of late. I found myself driving to class today asking God why I wandered away for so long. Where He was all that time, and why He let me do it. I cannot help but fall face first after moments like that, but it seems so logical. My life would be so different today had I not turned my back on God in the past, and who knows, maybe the lives of my friends would be different too. As I drove, crying out my own modern sort of lament, I began to stumble through a few verses from Psalm 51 that I remembered. It was written by David after his affair with Bethsheba, and he says this:

"Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.

2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.

3For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.

4Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.

5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.

6Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.

7Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

8Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.

9Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. 1

2Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.

13Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.

14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.

15O Lord, open my lips, That my mouth may declare Your praise.

16For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.

17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

18By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.

19Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar." King David

So much of this applies to my life, but the thing that hit me the hardest was this. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. God will not despise these things...contrite means to be remorseful, and when we have that attitude God sees that we are sincere. I cannot want anything other than to not have the history that I have, because without wanting it I would not be repentant. I guess what i'm trying to say is that I have done so many foolish things in this life and I hate that those around me in the future will have to pay a price at all for my actions. But I do know this, my prayer everyday is that God blots out my iniquities, and hides his face from my sin. And most of all, that he restores to me the joy of HIS salvation, the salvation he brought to me. And since this has happened, like David my life will be dedicated to teaching transgressors His ways, and my prayer is that they will be converted...from death to life.