I'm Broken

Two words no one wants to hear, no one wants to have anything to do with...pooped on. OK that's not what I'm talking about, being broken. I watch people preach and preach about how God, "wants to bless you and make all your problems go away...you shouldn't be struggling..." It breaks my heart. I AM STRUGGLING!! WHAT ABOUT ME?? WILL I BE LEFT BEHIND? WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG???

These are all questions I ask myself as rich man after rich man tells me that I shouldn't be struggling. Well I am. I'm amazed that you are not, friend, and I am here to tell you that I struggle. Day in and day out my flesh wars against what I ought to do, the things I want to do scream out and scratch and claw trying to grab control of my heart. They burn and are strong and I hate them...but they won't go away. I never had problems with drugs or alcohol or anything like that...but lust was a problem. It is a problem. God has delivered me in some ways, but the battle rages on as my soul is in torment day and night. I cry out for Him and there are times when I feel Him draw near, yet other times my cries seem to go out and come back empty. In my isolation, in the dark nights of my soul I try my best to cling to Scripture claiming God's sovereignty, His absolute omnipresence...but I cannot comprehend it. They become just words strung together with no personal weight. I know He's there, I know it, but I can't feel it and I want to. Have you ever felt this way friends?

God my prayer is that in this case...in my most vulnerable state and experience that I would latch on to your promise. That in all things God works for the good of those who love Him...that He is transforming me into the likeness of His son. My fear is that I take these words and twist them, believing that my reward is now, that I need to be blessed and delivered. God change me, let me see that being transformed into the likeness of Your Son means that I will suffer with Him, that my brokenness will be transcended by His love and presence. That although I am distraught, afflicted, persecuted, and pressed...I am not crushed. I have hope, I have trust, and I will rejoice in the glory of God all of my days. Let this be my heart Lord, change me. Unlock me and let me fall to pieces, broken by Your holy hand.