I don't know. I don't know why I act the way I act, why I have to be the best, why I struggle with being proud when I have KNOWLEDGE, FACT, and PROOF that I am absolutely nothing. As I look back at a weekend that had the potential to change my life, and I selfishly took it and smashed it, I feel so selfish, so alone.
I read through Genesis and as I looked at the curse of man, after listening to a podcast and praying, I kept hearing that I'm supposed to be a cultivator. My job is to grow and improve and love and nurture everything in my life, and to do that without reward? That sucks!! My nature, all I want is to give up on things when they are hard. I want to stop trying, or to lash out. Those two responses...flesh. My inclination in almost every reaction I choose...Flesh. I NEED the transforming power of the Holy Spirit to change me. I can't do it on my own...it is absolutely impossible for ME to love and serve when it is not in my best interest...I HATE IT!!! I have that feeling where I want to throw something across the room. Like that Snickers commercial with the viking, just grunt and throw a garbage can at a car. That's what I want! Why do I have to apologize and ask for forgiveness? I have to do everything I don't want to do. I can't do it on my own.
Jesus help me, I may do it well for a day or two on my own, but without you I will fail time and time again. I need you, I need your Spirit, I need. I know that you will give me all the things necessary to succeed, so impute your righteousness. Impute your patience and love and service and nurturing nature. I cannot do it without those things, help me Lord. I want to be a man.
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