Two words no one wants to hear, no one wants to have anything to do with...pooped on. OK that's not what I'm talking about, being broken. I watch people preach and preach about how God, "wants to bless you and make all your problems go away...you shouldn't be struggling..." It breaks my heart. I AM STRUGGLING!! WHAT ABOUT ME?? WILL I BE LEFT BEHIND? WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG???
These are all questions I ask myself as rich man after rich man tells me that I shouldn't be struggling. Well I am. I'm amazed that you are not, friend, and I am here to tell you that I struggle. Day in and day out my flesh wars against what I ought to do, the things I want to do scream out and scratch and claw trying to grab control of my heart. They burn and are strong and I hate them...but they won't go away. I never had problems with drugs or alcohol or anything like that...but lust was a problem. It is a problem. God has delivered me in some ways, but the battle rages on as my soul is in torment day and night. I cry out for Him and there are times when I feel Him draw near, yet other times my cries seem to go out and come back empty. In my isolation, in the dark nights of my soul I try my best to cling to Scripture claiming God's sovereignty, His absolute omnipresence...but I cannot comprehend it. They become just words strung together with no personal weight. I know He's there, I know it, but I can't feel it and I want to. Have you ever felt this way friends?
God my prayer is that in this case...in my most vulnerable state and experience that I would latch on to your promise. That in all things God works for the good of those who love Him...that He is transforming me into the likeness of His son. My fear is that I take these words and twist them, believing that my reward is now, that I need to be blessed and delivered. God change me, let me see that being transformed into the likeness of Your Son means that I will suffer with Him, that my brokenness will be transcended by His love and presence. That although I am distraught, afflicted, persecuted, and pressed...I am not crushed. I have hope, I have trust, and I will rejoice in the glory of God all of my days. Let this be my heart Lord, change me. Unlock me and let me fall to pieces, broken by Your holy hand.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Why I'm dysfunctional
I don't know. I don't know why I act the way I act, why I have to be the best, why I struggle with being proud when I have KNOWLEDGE, FACT, and PROOF that I am absolutely nothing. As I look back at a weekend that had the potential to change my life, and I selfishly took it and smashed it, I feel so selfish, so alone.
I read through Genesis and as I looked at the curse of man, after listening to a podcast and praying, I kept hearing that I'm supposed to be a cultivator. My job is to grow and improve and love and nurture everything in my life, and to do that without reward? That sucks!! My nature, all I want is to give up on things when they are hard. I want to stop trying, or to lash out. Those two responses...flesh. My inclination in almost every reaction I choose...Flesh. I NEED the transforming power of the Holy Spirit to change me. I can't do it on my own...it is absolutely impossible for ME to love and serve when it is not in my best interest...I HATE IT!!! I have that feeling where I want to throw something across the room. Like that Snickers commercial with the viking, just grunt and throw a garbage can at a car. That's what I want! Why do I have to apologize and ask for forgiveness? I have to do everything I don't want to do. I can't do it on my own.
Jesus help me, I may do it well for a day or two on my own, but without you I will fail time and time again. I need you, I need your Spirit, I need. I know that you will give me all the things necessary to succeed, so impute your righteousness. Impute your patience and love and service and nurturing nature. I cannot do it without those things, help me Lord. I want to be a man.
I read through Genesis and as I looked at the curse of man, after listening to a podcast and praying, I kept hearing that I'm supposed to be a cultivator. My job is to grow and improve and love and nurture everything in my life, and to do that without reward? That sucks!! My nature, all I want is to give up on things when they are hard. I want to stop trying, or to lash out. Those two responses...flesh. My inclination in almost every reaction I choose...Flesh. I NEED the transforming power of the Holy Spirit to change me. I can't do it on my own...it is absolutely impossible for ME to love and serve when it is not in my best interest...I HATE IT!!! I have that feeling where I want to throw something across the room. Like that Snickers commercial with the viking, just grunt and throw a garbage can at a car. That's what I want! Why do I have to apologize and ask for forgiveness? I have to do everything I don't want to do. I can't do it on my own.
Jesus help me, I may do it well for a day or two on my own, but without you I will fail time and time again. I need you, I need your Spirit, I need. I know that you will give me all the things necessary to succeed, so impute your righteousness. Impute your patience and love and service and nurturing nature. I cannot do it without those things, help me Lord. I want to be a man.
Monday, March 10, 2008
AAARRRGGGHHH
Have you ever been so frustrated with something you don't know what other course of action to take other than walking away? I have. I am. I'm trying. Lord, how do I remedy a situation I don't even want to be in? All I want is to fast forward through time so I can get to a point where I'm "ready." I'm so sick of this growing and stretching and pain, all I want is to move forward, and right now it's a snail's pace! Walking away gives you perspective, but I don't want to walk anymore. I'm trying to press through, I'm trying to follow, and I only get so far before I, like a dog, return to my vomit. It's such a graphic image and yet it is all we do. We leave shame and sin behind for a moment and seconds later I come back like I can't even remember what it was. WHY ME GOD??? WHY NOW? What are you trying to accomplish in me? Is it working?
But I know you are there, and through your faithfulness you will make me strong. You will carry me through, and no longer will my enemies triumph over me. I will dance around the throne of the Lord forever, even in sorrow I will rejoice, as I dwell in the house of the Lord for eternity.
But I know you are there, and through your faithfulness you will make me strong. You will carry me through, and no longer will my enemies triumph over me. I will dance around the throne of the Lord forever, even in sorrow I will rejoice, as I dwell in the house of the Lord for eternity.
Friday, March 7, 2008
I want to yearn
I've been puzzled lately over the fact that this generation of people don't seem to "need" Jesus. Let me clarify, I feel that I need Him, and I probably wouldn't even be alive today if it weren't for him. But I look at people so content with their lives the way they are and they don't seem to need Jesus in any way...in fact, they sometimes seem happier than even me.
As I look back on people like King David, Augustine, Calvin, Edwards, and all the other great names, there was an undeniable dependency on God. In Psalm 42 David writes these words: "Like a deer pants for water brooks, so my soul pant for thee, Oh God." There is a desperation there, a need. He paints such a poignant picture of a deer that is in desperate need of a refreshing drink as we are in need of a drink of living water. So where has this desperation gone? What happened to it? In a world more broken and more hollow than ever before the thought would be that people are in even more need of the loving kindness of God...but we all seem to have turned our backs somehow. Why do we pretend to not need Him? Is it because we are afraid to show that we are vulnerable? In this world so broken we feel the need to cover our desperation and say that we can muster up the strength to do it on our own.
I stand here as a man to tell you all, I cannot do it on my own. In my weakness I am made strong, so I boast and delight in these weaknesses because I know that reinforcement is on the way and that back up cannot be stopped. Not now and not ever...it is for this reason that I am not ashamed to say I need Him, to say I want Him, that my soul is desperate for the company of a God so great that He was willing to go to the greatest lengths imaginable to win my heart. A God so great that even in my darkest hour as I ran in the opposite direction of His arms he chased me, never letting me go too far from His presence. Yes friends, I need Him...you need Him. It's hard to be dependant on someone when we all want to come off as self sufficient and strong, but for just a moment put down your mask and unlock the door. Let the King in, He wants you, to be there for you, and the funny thing is He is the only one who will never hurt us and let us down. Open...Open!!! Be desperate and weak with me, I want to yearn and pant and cry out for the presence of the living God.
As I look back on people like King David, Augustine, Calvin, Edwards, and all the other great names, there was an undeniable dependency on God. In Psalm 42 David writes these words: "Like a deer pants for water brooks, so my soul pant for thee, Oh God." There is a desperation there, a need. He paints such a poignant picture of a deer that is in desperate need of a refreshing drink as we are in need of a drink of living water. So where has this desperation gone? What happened to it? In a world more broken and more hollow than ever before the thought would be that people are in even more need of the loving kindness of God...but we all seem to have turned our backs somehow. Why do we pretend to not need Him? Is it because we are afraid to show that we are vulnerable? In this world so broken we feel the need to cover our desperation and say that we can muster up the strength to do it on our own.
I stand here as a man to tell you all, I cannot do it on my own. In my weakness I am made strong, so I boast and delight in these weaknesses because I know that reinforcement is on the way and that back up cannot be stopped. Not now and not ever...it is for this reason that I am not ashamed to say I need Him, to say I want Him, that my soul is desperate for the company of a God so great that He was willing to go to the greatest lengths imaginable to win my heart. A God so great that even in my darkest hour as I ran in the opposite direction of His arms he chased me, never letting me go too far from His presence. Yes friends, I need Him...you need Him. It's hard to be dependant on someone when we all want to come off as self sufficient and strong, but for just a moment put down your mask and unlock the door. Let the King in, He wants you, to be there for you, and the funny thing is He is the only one who will never hurt us and let us down. Open...Open!!! Be desperate and weak with me, I want to yearn and pant and cry out for the presence of the living God.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Why?
It's so easy for me to say that I have the story I have so I can reach people. God gave me this testimony because it makes me who I am. I have such a hard time accepting that though, especially as of late. I found myself driving to class today asking God why I wandered away for so long. Where He was all that time, and why He let me do it. I cannot help but fall face first after moments like that, but it seems so logical. My life would be so different today had I not turned my back on God in the past, and who knows, maybe the lives of my friends would be different too. As I drove, crying out my own modern sort of lament, I began to stumble through a few verses from Psalm 51 that I remembered. It was written by David after his affair with Bethsheba, and he says this:
"Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
7Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
9Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. 1
2Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
13Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
15O Lord, open my lips, That my mouth may declare Your praise.
16For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
18By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar." King David
So much of this applies to my life, but the thing that hit me the hardest was this. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. God will not despise these things...contrite means to be remorseful, and when we have that attitude God sees that we are sincere. I cannot want anything other than to not have the history that I have, because without wanting it I would not be repentant. I guess what i'm trying to say is that I have done so many foolish things in this life and I hate that those around me in the future will have to pay a price at all for my actions. But I do know this, my prayer everyday is that God blots out my iniquities, and hides his face from my sin. And most of all, that he restores to me the joy of HIS salvation, the salvation he brought to me. And since this has happened, like David my life will be dedicated to teaching transgressors His ways, and my prayer is that they will be converted...from death to life.
"Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
7Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
9Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. 1
2Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
13Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
15O Lord, open my lips, That my mouth may declare Your praise.
16For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
18By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar." King David
So much of this applies to my life, but the thing that hit me the hardest was this. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. God will not despise these things...contrite means to be remorseful, and when we have that attitude God sees that we are sincere. I cannot want anything other than to not have the history that I have, because without wanting it I would not be repentant. I guess what i'm trying to say is that I have done so many foolish things in this life and I hate that those around me in the future will have to pay a price at all for my actions. But I do know this, my prayer everyday is that God blots out my iniquities, and hides his face from my sin. And most of all, that he restores to me the joy of HIS salvation, the salvation he brought to me. And since this has happened, like David my life will be dedicated to teaching transgressors His ways, and my prayer is that they will be converted...from death to life.
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