It's Been Awhile

I feel sorta streaky in my blogging, but lately it's not because I've felt uninspired, it's more like I've felt immovable. The more and more I delve into Christianity and theology and Biblical truths, the more these two things happen:

1) I feel so utterly disgusting the closer I move to the Lord. And yet I know that one foot must go in front of the other, inching my way to the throne.

2) The heavier the weight.



The second one has loomed over my heart and mind for the last few weeks, circling like a vulture over its prey. As depressing as the thought is that I have a charge to remain holy as He is holy that is totally and completely impossible for me to keep...it is even more depressing that I have missed by so much that the world is a worse place because of it.



If you are reading this, don't kill yourself just yet, it gets better. The good news is this: Jesus Christ came to die so that our impossible mission would be His work on the cross. The closer I get the dirtier I am, and the more I dig the greater the pressure. This pressure is natural in light of our calling, but the words, "my yoke is easy, my burden is light" come rushing to mind. How so?

Well, in my mind this is how it works. We struggle and fight in our sin trying not to do it by relying in our own will and flesh to resist but we always cave...and yet Jesus says it's easy? I think he means this. Let Him help, rely on the Spirit, we are strong enough to do nothing, but in our weakness His strength is made perfect. For years we have battled and battled maybe some wicked thoughts, or addictions hoping that this will be the time that we are over it...but it's not our battle. God says give me the sword and take my hand, I will lead you beside still waters. I will lay you down in green pastures, it will be easy for you if you let ME do it, instead of trying to do it yourself.

Help me Lord, this is my deepest regret...that in my pride I for so long have relied on myself to defeat darkness. Help me...