This is a long one

For those of you who know me, (regarding the three people who read this blog, if there are even three of you) this blog may be old news. However, in the spirit of honesty and brutality, I must confess something to you. I am a glory hog...I hate when other people get credit or attention for something that I put together, and even more so I hate when I put time into something and it gets no glory whatsoever. You could say I was the poster child for the No Guts No Glory slogan, because glory was my desire. I love when people affirm me for doing well, and I hate when people give me no feedback on a job that I have done. I would like to know if it is spectacular, or crap. For me, there is no in between (Some of you are focusing on the word crap because in your mind it is a swear, get over it and stay with me here...). Mediocrity is not an option in the land of Jake, that's why when I find out that I'm not very good at something I usually do not pursue it. You can call this pride, and you'd be right...I like to think of it as selective participation. For instance, I am terrible at the game speed, always have been...so the last time I played it was about 5th grade. Unfortunately for some of you, that means when I do participate in something that means I am going to beat you at it, but take solace in the fact that if I don't you are better than me. Almost guaranteed.

That being said, there are times when I legitimately ponder if I am a Christian or not. Have you ever had that thought? Sort of like, eternal insecurity. So as I look over the different facets and actions in my life, I can never see the reason God has chosen me as "elect." So I agree with our term, unconditional election, meaning we are chosen by God strictly out of his sovereignty, our actions and will have nothing to do with it. So in that sovereignty, he rescues me from the fires of hell. Somehow in the process of this happening, my mind tells me that I am responsible for myself. The human condition is like Paul says in Romans 7:

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

It's like he's writing about my life. I want to do good, but I can't carry it out. Every day I say the words, "Lord not for my glory but yours." And yet I constantly find myself searching for ways to be glorified. Why???? It is the most frustrating thing in the world for me that God has fashioned me in a way that all I want to do is better my self-image, seek my glory, make my name known, get rich and powerful and be respected and liked...and the thing that I hate doing the most He asks me to do. That when I act something out or put work into something He says, give me the glory...make my name great...better my image, set aside your life, give it to me, it's mine!! How frustrating is this? I hate it and I wonder why God made me this way most of the time.

But in times of sanity, as God slowly stitches my mind and heart back together I look at the brilliant side of the way he has sewn the universe together. The amazing, selfless work He has put forth, and the hurt and pain that I alone have caused him and it is so awfully, incredibly, painfully humbling. In those times of deepest hurt, and the darkest of nights, I am forced to come to the realization that it was His to begin with. He made the universe, He gave me the mind to work, the hands to serve, the will to succeed, and the freedom to live. The sad thing is, I want glory so desperately and yet when I get it I don't even know how to handle it. Maybe that's why God designed glory only for Himself, because when we get our hands on it it's like a homeless man finding a million dollars...or like grocery shopping when you're hungry, or giving mountain dew to a jr. high boy...when we take it we only want more and more and we can't get enough...we become addicted and we are literally stealing the rug from under the feet of God.

That's why the Old Testament was so painful, because people kept taking the glory of God...that was the original fall of man. Adam said, I want some of this knowledge for myself. Give me the glory too!! I want to share in this action!! So as he ate that fruit, he was becoming addicted to something that would kill him, quite literally. God knew Adam would never be able to handle it, that as long as he lived he would continue the hunt for more and more self-edification and so he brought about the end of life for the first time ever and said, because of this you will have to die. It's painful isn't it? That we have always tried to accumulate humility by deflecting praise and accolades, or trying to attribute it to other things...we even use the words, "Glory to God." But in my heart I try and hide just how much I enjoy hearing my name and not God's and I love when people say, "Jake you did such a good job with this..." So no matter how often I deflect it, God sees the heart. Why else would Jesus say, "You've heard it said don't murder your brother, but to have hatred in your heart is the same!! (Paraphrased by me)" God sees the heart, I can't hide anything from Him.

So I guess what this blog is about is my confession...my "type A" personality of perfectionist problem solver is so incredibly dangerous, especially for a man who wants to be a preacher. I covet your prayers, all both of you reading this...pray for me. For like Paul I do not do what I want to do, and exactly what I don't want to do (what I hate) I do. Pray that if I do preach and teach, that God will be the one speaking and not me, that for a moment in time I can set aside myself and let Him work and say what He wants to say...please pray.